On Neuropsychology...
Sunday Ramblings-Neuropsychology
Refuted
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Photo by Ray Arsenault
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By Frank Froman
Saturday, October 20, 2001
Neuropsychologists
were stunned by medical research that originated from
researchers at the University of Bangor. The human brain
has been found to serve no purpose.
Studies conducted by Bangor scientists have conclusively
proven that the origin of human thought, emotion and
behavior is no longer the brain, as had been previously
thought. These have migrated quite rapidly in evolutionary
terms and are now lodged instead in the tuchus.
The tuchus has been found to be the seat of emotion
and wisdom. In addition, it has been identified as the
seat of pleasure and in some defiant children, the seat
of pain as well.
"We are amazed at these findings", said Dr. Hermann
Rump, chief of cognitive research at the University
of Bangor. "The tuchus really appears to be fundamental
to the locus of personal control."
"There can be no doubt that we have finally uncovered
the major cause of obesity as well", chimed a spokesperson
for a group of highly qualified bachelors' level therapists,
who noted a .985 correlation between tuchus size and
obesity. "We will be publishing our understandings in
our membership journal, The Highly Illustrated Educational
Resource Manual of BS Therapists".
Malformations of the tuchus cause an array of psychological
problems, including body dysmorphia, inadequate personality
disorder, and in cases with a particularly well-formed
tuchus, narcissistic personality disorder. A sore tuchus
also causes mild to moderate clinical depression. An
extremely sore tuchus has been correlated with antisocial,
sadistic and self-defeating personality disorders, as
well as major depression. The scrawny tuchus of the
Twiggy Age appears to present itself in cases of self-defeating
personality and atypical depression, as well as anorexia.
Preoccupation with the tuchus causes OCD. Mega-tuchus
appears to be associated with difficulty in standing
and sitting without saying, "Oy".
Neuropsychologists were reportedly outraged at the news
and were unprepared for this paradigm shift. "We spent
years studying brain function and structure, and now
we find that it has absolutely nothing to do with behavior.
Brains simply fill the area behind the eyes. All that
money for education and those charts and books and tests,
down the drain!", lamented Dr. Robert Karman, who practices
in Brea, California. (1)
Managed Care organizations were elated with the news.
"We always knew that neuropsychological testing was
unnecessary. Now we find that it was irrelevant as well.
We'll be reviewing past claims paid and sending out
bills for reimbursement plus interest", said Nimda Plotnik
(2), spokesperson for the industry.
Graduate students have abandoned research programs in
the neuropsychological basis of behavior, though several
major universities still plan to teach neuropsychology
as mythology. Several Universities are offering partial
tuition refunds to recent graduates, along with letters
of apology for misrepresentation.
Physical therapists, however, were ecstatic. "We always
thought that by getting someone off his/her tuchus,
we were really helping them", said Dr. Josephine Uppenatem.
" Now we know that it increased blood-flow to the area
and directly affected their cognitive and emotional
functioning. This research opens a whole new area for
us."
Unfortunately, it does appear that everything we know
about dominant hemispheres is now backwards. Since the
tuchus is wired directly in line with the body, a left
dominant person is more apt to be random; and a right,
analytic. A few people have a perfectly balanced tuchus
and are able to be both at once, not to mention often
conceited.
Several grant requests proposing a variety of mapping
protocols are stuck in Congress. According to the President,
"we're not sure that it's the proper function of the
Federal Government to pour money in tuchus studies."
Pressure was mounting on the President to fund at least
17 existing lines of research, but to slam shut the
door on others not yet established. Senator Harlem Spectator,
however, believes that there are important things to
be learned from tuchus research, and that an in-depth
understanding of how it
functions has the potential to cure many psychological
disorders. Scandinavian countries which have fewer inhibitions
about conducting research are going ahead full-steam.
Drug company spokesperson Sircan Plotnik added, "We
always stated that the mechanism by which our medications
worked was unclear. We had long suspected a tuchus-behavior
link. We're going to be pouring in billions to understand
how the healthy and diseased tuchus affects mood states."
A new antidepressant is being developed based on this
new research. The path of ingestion has not been decided,
though discussions have been underway with the manufacturers
of Preparation H.
Parents of older children, interviewed by CNN, were
unsurprised by the findings. "I always told my kid that
his brains were in his tuchus", said one hapless father.
"Now I find out how right I was." His satisfaction,
however, was short-lived upon realizing that his own
were as well.
Numerous famous people are now opening up with personal
stories about their tuchuses. Larry King Live will have
a special two-hour show tonight dealing with the people
who have had tuchus problems and their success in solving
them in 12-step programs and various therapies.
Clinical Psychologists are being offered in-service
training designed to expand understanding of the tuchus
and its role in causing mental disorders. Dr.
Gordon Herz has put together a 2-day workshop entitled
"Neuroproctology and other cranio-tuchus inversions".
(3) Wisconsin will be the first to offer a new
graduate program leading to a master's degree in tuchus
studies (MITS). A doctorate is planned for 2006.
And finally, a new APA division is being inaugurated
to replace the Neuropsychology Division. It is as yet
unnamed. Serious consideration is being given to calling
it the American Neurotuchus Advocacy League (ANAL).
1.. Quoted with permission and gratitude
2.. No relation to Marve Plotnik of Sedalia, Missouri
3.. Quoted with permission of the highly inventive Dr.
Herz.
On Managed Care...
Sunday Ramblings-Single
Sentence Counseling
By Frank Froman
Saturday, October 13, 2001
Sunday Ramblings-Single
Sentence Counseling
Organized Managed Care (OMC) today released new guidelines
for therapists. All treatment will now be authorized
in single-sentence format.
"The guidelines are designed to save us millions of
dollars, and make therapy compatible with the needs
of the McDonald's Generation", said company spokesperson
Nimda Plotnik. (1)
"Specifically, we're mandating that all covered insured's
receive single-sentence counseling. Therapists with
decent training should be able to quickly assess what
the problem is, and tell the client how to solve it
in one statement. It's not too much to ask, and will
save us a ton of money.
Asked for some examples of this new counseling format,
Plotnik quoted several.
A therapist in a land-locked Midwest town once saw an
employee of the police department who became upset when
she viewed pictures of accident scenes that were grizzly.
'What should I do?" asked the beleaguered client.
"Don't look at the pictures anymore", said the therapist.
"Doctor, that's brilliant. Why didn't I think of that?"
The doctor remained mute, since to answer would have
required another sentence, and that would have necessitated
obtaining another authorization from the managed care
company.
Another client was in a suicidal crisis. "I can't stand
it anymore. I'm going to kill myself. Life isn't worth
living." The therapist, a recent graduate of a bachelor's
degree program and a 'Qualified Mental Health Professional'
responded:
"Look, if you kill yourself and your managed care organization
finds out about it, you'll never be able to get health
insurance again anywhere."
"Gee, I never realized that. These days, it's hard to
get good coverage. Thank you, doctor, thank you." Interestingly,
the QMHP did not correct the client's misstatement of
her qualifications.
"Doctor, I can't make up my mind about a divorce. On
the one hand, I'd like to stay married for the kids,
but I can't stand the creep. What do I do?"
"Ask your mother and do the opposite of what she says",
said the doctor.
"That's fantastic. I've always done that anyway. Why
didn't I think of that?"
Single sentence counseling workshops are scheduled around
the country, starting in Evergreen, Colorado. Meanwhile,
therapists are urged to learn some of the new single
sentence statements to get a leg up on their multi-sentenced
non-managed care competitors.
1.. Try something different. (For obsessives)
2.. Have you thought of applying for disability?
(From bachelor's level
counselors)
3.. Keep on doing it, and you'll go blind.
(Fundamentalist counseling)
4.. I know you don't think so, but it could
be worse. (Applied fatalism)
5.. Think about something else, and then do
that. (Cognitive behavioral)
6.. This too will pass. (Existential-philosophical,
or what-my-mother-
used-to-tell-me
counseling)
7.. In a hundred years, it won't make any difference.
(Fatalism)
8.. Suck it up and move on. (US Marine Corps
counseling)
9.. We're all disappointed in love some of
the time. (Oprah style
reflection)
10.. Heaven doesn't give you more than you can handle.
(Religiously
oriented)
11.. It's a shame, a real shame. (Dismissive counseling)
12.. Of course you feel this way. (Carl Rogers)
13.. I like you just the way you are. (Mr. Rogers)
14.. I love you just the way you are. (Needs a Ken Pope
workshop)
15.. Don't blame yourself. (For neurotics)
16.. It's all right to blame yourself. (For psychopaths)
17.. What's with all this blaming? (For Jewish patients)
18.. Oh, grow up! (Joan Rivers counseling)
19.. You will have consequences. (George W. Bush counseling)
20.. You'll never improve; you're stuck forever. (Paradoxical
therapy)
21.. Stop being a hockey puck. (Don Rickles counseling)
22.. Do something for someone else. (American Red Cross
counseling)
23.. Confess to your husband that you've run up his credit
cards to
$50,000 and know
that he'll find it in his heart to forgive you. (Naïve
counseling)
24.. Go home; take off all your clothes, and make mad,
passionate love to
your husband
right now. (Dr. Ruth Westheimer counseling)
25.. Our time is up. (Psychoanalytic psychotherapy)
26.. Do you really think that worrying will solve this?
(Contemporary
counseling)
27.. A little anxiety, depression, mixed with some delusions,
hallucinations,
and sleep deprivation
is normal. (Who let this person in?)
28.. Though you may act stupidly, you are not stupid. (Albert
Ellis)
29.. All drinking is bad. (AA counseling)
30.. An occasional drink won't hurt you. (My doctor's counseling)
31.. I need a drink too. (Needs no explanation these days)
32.. There's nothing wrong with a little schmootz. (Neatnik
therapy)
33.. Too much schmootz is bad. (Department of Family Services
therapy)
34.. Into every life a little schmootz must fall. (Shakespearean
counseling)
Managed care workshop organizers are combing the literature
for condescending platitudes that therapists can learn.
"It's all clients need", said Plotnik. "This propaganda
about forming relationships is completely overstated.
When you get your oil changed, is it important to have
a 'relationship' with the guy who does it?"
In anticipation of the success of this program, graduate
schools around the country have begun modifying their
advanced psychology curricula. The University of Baltimore
has received a grant to develop a curriculum in single-sentence
therapy. Dr. Leroy Oncegood, head of their department
of clinical training, mused that this approach would
help clients and clinicians rapidly focus on the one
presenting problem and avoid straying into meaningless
side issues. According to Oncegood, "people who take
their car in for a tune up get a tune up. They don't
expect a transmission job. Psychologists should do the
same with their clients. All this wandering about checking
side-issues is just a way of padding the session." Managed
care officials, pleased by his statements, awarded their
annual European study trip and a free Dell Laptop computer
with a Celeron processor to Oncegood as their token
of high esteem.
APA spokespersons have been unavailable for comment,
but a managed care thorn residing somewhere in Long
Branch, New Jersey, is reported to have stated, on hearing
the new guidelines, "(#(($#@*&!%)#)". Translators are
still attempting to decode the meaning of that statement,
but they acknowledge that it doesn't sound good.
1. No relation to Marve Plotnik of Sedalia, Missouri.
On Diagnostic
Nomenclature...
Sunday Ramblings-DSM-Vi
Released
By Frank Froman
Friday, August 09, 2002
The long-awaited
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, Fifth Edition, i
(DSM-Vi) has been officially released by the American
Psychiatric Association Press.
Eager early buyers lined up at the nation's bookstores
at midnight to buy copies at the moment of release.
Barnes and Noble stores in California hired extra security
personnel to manage lines which snaked around several
city blocks as eager clinicians awaited their personal
copies.
The new volume, 688 pages, and its companion book,
Approved Treatments for Psychiatric Problems,
had sold out in most locations by dawn.
Psychiatrists who penned most of the new diagnostic
categories were pleased that they now will have many,
many more people to treat. More behavior than ever has
been identified as pathological, according to Dr. Doduh
Medchek, American Psychiatric Association spokesperson.
New to the diagnostic categories were a host of eating,
behavioral and addictive disorders. Once thought to
be simple indiscretions, we now have a host of new DSM
problems including:
1. FE. Fressen Excessen. Characterized by insatiable urges
to snack.
2. FFA. Fast Food Addiction. After all the news of the
lawsuit, is it any
surprise?
3. CRBA. Chinese Restaurant Buffet Addiction. It finally
got a separate
category that was long overdue.
4. EPO. Eating from the Plates of Others. Needs no explanation.
Includes
a subcategory for eating the French Fries
of others at fast food places.
5. ISH. I'm Still Hungry. Inability to be without food
for a period of over
one hour. Often afflicting teenagers,
especially post-pubescent males.
6. PA. Pepsi Addiction.
7. FtS. Follow the Smell. An irresistible urge to eat when
smelling food
being prepared. Variant: Inability to
abstain from food when others
around you are eating.
8. FS. Food Sneaking. Any eating done while hoping one
will not be caught
in the act by family members.
9. ESU. Eating standing up. A delusion based on the errant
thought that
eating without sitting does not result
in weight gain.
10. JCEPS. Jews Conflicted by Eating Pork and Shellfish.
11. B & B. Binge and Binge. For people who haven't heard about
the
binge-purge syndrome. Secondary
symptom: obesity.
12. Anorexia Schmanorexia. Parents who doubt that their 16 year
old
daughter's 65 pound weight could
be caused by a psychological
disorder.
13. BBn. Big Boned. Replaces Morbid Obesity.
14. CPC. Compulsive Pencil Chewing. Also compulsive pen chewing.
Variant:
compulsive pen clicking.
15. CF. Compulsive Flossing: defined as flossing 3 or more times
a day,
with active engagement of both
adjacent tooth surfaces.
16. CWD. Compulsive Water Drinking. Can go no longer than 3 minutes
without a swig.
17. SBS. Sneezing in Bright Sunlight.
18. SPA. Addiction to watching South Park on TV.
19. BMP. Preoccupation with the quantity of excreted bowel material.
Accompanied by feelings of relief
and pride.
20. BCA. Bagged Carrot Addiction, as manifested by eating the
contents
of one or more bags of peeled carrots
daily for two or more weeks.
21. IA. Internet Addiction, as manifest by spending 12 or more
hours per
day on the World Wide Web for a
period of more than 2 weeks.
22. CCBCD. Catholics Conflicted over using Birth Control Devices.
23. CCD. Childhood Cooperative Disorder, manifested by the child
doing
what the parent wants when they
want it.
24. SPD. School Perfectionism Disorder, as manifest by the presence
of a
majority of A's in a public or
private school curriculum.
25. HFD. Homework First Disorder, as manifest by a child doing
homework
immediately on coming home from
school.
26. DRD. Driver's Rage Disorder.
27. DRD, Mild. Flicking off offending motorist.
28. DRD, Moderate. Throwing tire iron or similar material at
offending
motorist.
29. DRD, Severe. Removing a portion of the anatomy of offending
motorist.
30. DRD, Profound. Launching the offending motorist with vehicle
into high
orbit.
31. CPS. Crossover politico syndrome: Democrats liking George
W. Bush.
32. CPS Variant: Republicans longing for the prosperity of the
Clinton
administration.
33. Prc-A. Piercing Addiction: 3 or more non-ear parts of the
body pierced.
Add 5th digit to show number of
piercings, H or O for hidden or openly
displayed.
34. FSS. Fetal Schmo Syndrome, indicating a person who was a
Schmo
even before birth.
35. NCD. No Clue Disorder: Men surprised when their girlfriends
leave after
they beat them up.
36. SD. Schmegegie Disorder. Women who stay in relationships
where they
get beaten up, hoping that their
boyfriends will change.
37. Tsoris Minimus. People who complain but have nothing wrong
with them.
38. Tsoris Moderatus. replacing the category, dual diagnoses.
39. Tsoris Maximus. Time to refer to the new kid who's competing
with you
down the block.
In addition, professional rivalry has now been pathologized.
Two examples:
PRP. Psychiatrists who respect
psychologists. A very rare syndrome
now unseen in New Mexico and spreading.
Add fifth digit to indicate
degree of panic and fear (1-9).
PWP. Psychologists wishing they
were psychiatrists. A sub-branch of
psychosis NOS.
In a brief article such as this, only a tiny smattering
of the new Diagnostic categories can be reviewed. For
those of you who have not yet bought the book, the American
Psychiatric Association encourages you to shell out
$95.00 and pick up your own. That is, unless you want
to be diagnosed as:
PC. Pathologically Cheap, as manifested
by refusal to buy the latest DSM
until your old one wears out.
Editor's note--The intent
of this page is satirical and does not necessarily represent
views or opinions held or supported by AssessmentPsychology.com
or Dr. William E. Benet--WEB.
