Eight Ball's case: Dr. P. Freud's answer

"Dear Dr Freud: Why does sometimes a piglet chew when he/she has his/her backside rubbed?"

Dr. P. Freud's answer:

"Guinea Piggies as you know, iz highly zexual creatures. Ven they iz courting, ze male zignals his interest by nuzzling or chewing on her behind und der female shows her acquiescence by not biting him or expelling body waste products in his face (Ve Humans can learn a LOT vrom guinea pigs!). Now ven a guinea pig iz being inappropriately shtimulated by having hiz or her backside rubbed in ein non-zexual encounter, it can lead to vrustration und obzessive-compulsive behavior like chewing. Und dots vhat you haff ven you get behind ze Eight Ball!"

Thank you, Dr. Pigman Freud!

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Are piggies smart? Dr. P. Freud's answer

ROXANN from California asks: "Dr Freud, exactly how smart are guinea pigs?"

Dr. P. Freud's answer:

"Roxann, piggies iz a LOT shmarter then people giff them credit for. Shmarter than
us in many vays. Think about it. How many of you can brag that you got other
people looking for goodies to feed you, cuddling you, cleaning up after you and who
come a'running every time you let out a 'wheek'? Oh the Cavy iz canny indeed! In
fact, Professor Von Daniken in his book 'CARROTS OF THE GODS', points out
certain pigtographs chewed into the rocks of the Andes as evidence that piggies once
had their own high civilization. A civilization that lasted until zey domesticated us
humans to take care of them. Und I, for vun, don't doubt it! You may think you
know your piggies already, but if you continue to read zis column, I guarantee you
vill zoon be seeing them in a whole new light!"

Thank you, Dr Pigman Freud!

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Why do guinea pigs chirp? Dr. P. Freud's answer

TOMASZ from Fidonet asks: "Why do guinea pigs chirp?"

Dr. P. Freud's answer

"I haff heard many theories about why guinea pigs make chirping noises like de
birdies. Zome say the chirping alerts the herd to danger. Others say they chirp to
attract ze opposite zex; und zome even think that chirping means ze guinea pig iz
feeling sick. In mein humble opinion, all dese eggsperts iz wrong! I think that
chirping iz evidence of ze guinea pig's vell-developed zense of humor. Of course itz
hard to believe that zuch a refined animal has zuch an affinity for low comedy uff ze
pratfall und voopie-cushion variety, but think about ze zircumshtances in vhich
chirping occurs... Itz late at nite ven out of ze blue you are jolted vrom a zound sleep
by a guinea pig making this veird noise like you neffer heard before. You jump out
uff bed, bang your shins against ze night-stand, fumble for ze light switch und shtand
there blinking shtupidly at your guinea pig who iz htaring back at you like nothing
happened! You rush to check him over but no matter vhat you do, you can't find
anyzing wrong! Finally you giff up und go back to bed shaking your head in
puzzlement. 15 minutes later ze guinea pig shtarts chirping some more und up you
go to do the whole routine over again... mit de zame results! Zo I ask you... Vhat dou
YOU think iz going on? I think that ze moment ze lights go out, your guinea pig iz
rolling all over ze floor uff hiz cage laffing hiz furry little head off at you! Lucky for
you that ze little shtinkers get bored with ze joke after only vun or two repetitions. Of
course they haff lots of other tricks up their sleeves too, but that we'll haff to
eggshplore some other day."

Thank you, Dr Pigman Freud!

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Oedipigal Complex: Dr. P. Freud's answer

AMY from Sirius.com asks: "Do guinea pigs ever suffer from the so-called 'Oedipigal Complex'?"

Dr. P. Freud's answer:

"Hot Doggies! A zex question! There's not a psychiatrist in ze vorld who doesn't
LOVE to analyze all the eggzitement out of a zex question! (In fact, that's why dey call
us 'shrinks') Anyvay, de 'Oedipigal Complex' (named for the Greek King Oedipus
Wrecked) refers to a guinea pig who has a zexual attachment to other members of hiz
or her family. The Human equivalent is ven a man has a morbid attraction to hiz
mother, but de guinea pig haz a much STRONGER zex drive. They'll chase after
parents, siblings, children, members of ze same zex und, if no other piggies iz around,
they'll even chase themselves! If guinea pigz were to star in zome zilly TV sit-com,
they vould undoubtedly call it 'All In The Family'! To sum up then: Yes, guinea pigs
do exhibit signs of ze "Oedipigal Complex', but for them it'z perfectly normal. More
unhealthy vould be ze 'Electra Complex' vhich occurs ven a guinea pig chews on a
high-voltage wire..."

Thank You, Dr Pigman Freud!

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Rabbit company? Dr. P. Freud's answer

IVY from Leonis.nus.sg asks: "I have two male GPs living alone together. Do you think
they have forgotten about girls? Should I get them a lady bunny rabbit for company?"

Dr. P. Freud's answer:

"Zis iz actually two questions instead of vun so I vill answer them in order. Heavens
no! I've never heard of two guys of ANY species ever forgetting about girls.
Birthdays, wedding anniversaries, impending visits of mothers-in-law, these things
yes, but to forget ze ladies themselves?! Nein! Males have built-in reminders vhich
vork LOTS better than tying a shtring round der finger! Getting them a lady bunny
rabbit is not always a good idea either. Don't your boys get enuff eggzercise chasing
each other around? Besides, catching der lady bunny could have unfortunate
consequences. If you do get one, remember to keep her rear toenails vell-clipped
becauze bunnies don't slap impetuous suitors, they KICK them.

Thank You, Dr Pigman Freud!

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The case of the "under-endowed" guinea pig:
Dr. P. Freud's answer

The case of the "under-endowed" guinea pig

The following letter was sent to Dr Freud by person or piglets unknown: Dear Dr
Freud: I am not sure which is worse: writing you about my problem, or writing you
about my problem... ...My problem is this: I am very under-endowed for a guinea pig.
Even though I don't have the company of any sows, I am embarrassed and frustrated
when my owners call my attention to this fact. Are there any famous guinea pigs
who have overcome the embarrassment of a "teeny weenie" (CORRESPONDENT'S
PHRASE- NOT OURS)? Is there anything I can do to build my confidence? Is there a
chance it might grow? I'm already 2. Any help would be appreciated.
Signed,
Inadequate

Dr. P. Freud's answer:

DEAR INADEQUATE: Perhaps it vill comfort you to know zat you are not ze first
guinea pig to approach me mit dis problem. In fact it is quite common in households
vhere there iz only vun guinea pig living mit humans. You iz like der cartoon
character Charlie Brown who iz alvayz trying to fit in mit de others, Lucy, Snoopy,
Linus, etc., and never quite succeeding. In fact the analogy iz zo useful, that ve guinea
pig psychotherapists have begun calling de problem "PEANUTS ENVY". Like Charlie
Brown you, through no fault uff your own, vill neffer fit in und der constant
vrustration of trying to mold yourzelf to Human values has undermined your
confidence. Realizing zis iz der first shtep on der road to recovery. Zo in conclusion, I
can only quote Lucy Van Pelz und say "that'll be five cents please!"

Thank You, Dr Pigman Freud!

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Female gpigs remaining still on the floor:
Dr. P. Freud's answer

Another brilliant solution coming from Dr. P.Freud.

Michael from pilot.msu asks:

"When I put my older female guinea pig on the floor, she just sits where I put her
and hardly ever moves. Is she too content to move? too frightened? too goofy? Why
does she just sit there?"

Dr. P. Freud's answer:

"Vell Michael, assuming ve are talking about a live and healthy guinea pig here (ve
are, aren't ve Michael?), there could be many reasons vhy she chooses to remain
shtill. Zis is not an uncommon behavior for female piggies. Zome think that der
sow's role as baby- maker requires her to take fewer risks in der wild compared to ze
boar, hence she iz quieter und moves around less. Perzonally I think dat theory iz
piggy droppings! Piggies, as I haff said, are very shmart creatures, und in zis case, I
think they are almost human. How many times Michael haff you known a voman to
shtand around waiting for you to somehow KNOW vot she iz feeling mitout her
zaying anything? If you iz anything like the rest of us males, probably LOTS of times.
Itz chust the vay things are between men und women. Dey iz ALVAYS eggshpecting
us men to know vot dey are thinking no matter how often ve prove dot ve are NOT
telepathic! Und vot's true for lady humans iz probably true for lady guinea pigz as
vell! So vot can ve do about it, Michael? I haff degreez from zix universities und haff
been married to Mrs Freud for over 40 years und I SHTILL haven't got a clue!
Zometimes I think der ladies planned it that vay..."

Thank You, Dr Pigman Freud!

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Psycho-Nutty-Killer-Piggie: Dr. P. Freud's answer

Psycho-Nutty-Killer-Piggie: Bonnie is a lovely piggie... until she mets stranger gpigs

HELEN asks: "Dear Dr Freud: I have two female guinea pigs who mostly get along
well and I would get another except that one of them, Bonnie, turns into a
psycho-nutty-killer-piggie whenever I bring a new one home. What can I do?"

Dr. P. Freud's answer:

"Vell Helen, perhapz if you vas older you'd remember ze old vaudeville skit where
vun man raises hiz arm und zays 'Doctor, it hurtz venever I do that.' und ze doctor
repliez 'vell then, vhy do you keep doing that?' Ha ha! Zeriously though, perhapz
you chust shouldn't get anudder pig. Perhapz Bonnie iz suffering vrom low self-
esteem und can't shtand ze idea uff more competition for your attention. The usual
treatment for zuch cases is to put zem on der couch for some intense psychoanalysis
but dere iz a quick-fix method you can try at home which Ve call 'Self-Pignosis'. You
know how guinea pigz can zit for hours just chewing and shtaring into space? Vell
put a mirror in vront of her and let her shtare into the reflection of her piggie eyes
until she hypnotizes herzelf! You can tell ven she iz in der trance shtate becauze she
vill shtop chewing und her jaw vill drop open. Zome piggies vill even snore at zis
time. Ven you iz zertain she iz pignotized, you repeat softly to her 'no matter vot,
Mama loves YOU best!' 40 or 50 times then quietly introduce her new neighbor into
ze hutch. Half der time your piggie vill be so shtupified, she'll never even notice her
new companion. Vun word of caution though: don't try zis in vront of people you
don't know very vell or you might find YOURSELF tied to a couch for zome intense
psychoanalysis!"

Thank You, Dr Pigman Freud!

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What do guinea pigs dream? Dr. P. Freud's answer

Gpig dreams: Doktor Freud's giving his best in answering this very good question!

MICHAEL from Pilot.msu asks: "What do guinea pigs dream?"

Dr. P. Freud's answer:

"Ah Michael, dotse a very good question! Modern Science has gone to great lengths
to shtudy just vot it iz dat Guinea Pigs dream and ve all owe a debt of gratitude to the
United States Government for it'z villingness to alvays fund zuch important
research. Now it'z hard enough chust catching der little beggerz mit dere eyes closed,
much less dreaming, zo such research iz shtill in it's infancy but ve already know
that dey do haff vivid dreams. Now, unlike der fictional Doctor Doolittle, ve cannot
actually TALK to de animals zo ve find out vot der dream content iz by getting der
guinea pig to 'act out' der dreams for us. Und you know vhat ve haff found? Der
guinea pig dreams about EXACTLY ze zame things dey do every day ven they iz
awake! Dey've shown us that dey eat, drink, defecate, und run about making 'wheek,
wheek' noises in dreams chust as if dey vere awake! Izn't Science vunderful? Und ve
eggshpect further research vill come up mit even MORE amazing rezults!"

Thank You, Dr Pigman Freud!

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Piggies' head-butting: Dr. P. Freud's answer

Piggies head-butting: Who didn't notice this behaviour in his/her piglet?

KAREN at Harvard.edu asks: "Why does my guinea pig like to hit me with his head
when he walks behind me? Should I be worried by this behavior?"

Dr. P. Freud's answer:

"Vell Karen, head-butting iz a very common guinea pig behavior. Piggies, whether
dey iz vild or domestic like to play follow der leader. You vill often see three or four
of zem strung out in a line nose to bum und moving along like ein furry choo-choo
train. Zey can go quite fast as long as dey don't lose sight...(hmm, perhapz dat iz not
der zense in use ven dey iz nose to bum!) of der hind end in vront of zem Problems
only occur ven der lead piggie stops abruptly. Den you end up mitt a pile-up like der
demolition derby on a foggy night! Even ven dey don't pile into each other, head-
butting is common und dot's probably all zat iz happening between your piggie und
you. Of course, nudging mitt der head can alzo be a sign uff zexual interest but
considering de difference in size between you und your piggie... zis iz unlikely. If,
however, you zuspect your piggie really IZ trying to tell you 'Do you like me or iz dot
chust a carrot in your pocket?' den call me up for a referral 'cause your piggie has
definite delusions of grandeur!"

Thank You, Dr Pigman Freud!

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Looking for Mr. Goodboar! Dr. P. Freud's answer

Looking for Mr. Goodboar! How to choose the right mate for your piggie.

EMMA from Aol.com asks: "I would like to get a mate for Lady who will be a year old
next month but I've heard so many stories about guinea pigs that don't get along that
I've become rather nervous about the idea. What do I look for in a male gp to ensure
a happy union?"

Dr. P. Freud's answer:

"Ah Emma! It zounds like you und Lady iz 'LOOKING FOR MR GOODBOAR'! It
shouldn't be too difficult to find the right mate. There are a few small thingz you
should look out for tho. Der boar should not be too much younger or older than Lady
and should be neither too aggressive or too passive. Good grooming is essential.
Vatch out for de veird hairdos that indicate a 'punk pig' or even vorse- a Sinead
O'Connor fan pig (can you imagine vhat der kids vould look like?!). A zelf- assured
piggie should be vocal, but not all the time though. That can be a crashing boar!
Above all, shtay avay from those overbearing boars who try to lord it over de
females. Ze last thing a Lady vants iz a male chauvinist pig! Anyvay, der good newz
iz that even if Lady iz particular und holds her snout high in de air, Nature alvays
zeems to find a vay in de end (no pun intended!).

Thank You, Dr Pigman Freud!

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Editor's note--The purpose of this page is humor and not professional advice for treating gpigs or people,
nor does it represent the professional opinions of Dr. William E. Benet and AssessmentPsychology.com--WEB.


Copyright 1996 Hugh M. Kramer - Copyright 2005 AssessmentPsychology.com
This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed without permission.